Men’s rooms and the Chicago Cubs … two things that get linked together in history for so many wrong reasons.
For those who have never been to venerable Wrigley Field, especially those of the male half of our species … you miss out on a singular experience: going to the bathroom the way Roman slaves surely must have done it.
The men’s rooms at Wrigley Field featured famous troughs that run down the middle of the room. It was double sided, so when you went to relieve yourself, rather than simply facing a wall, you were facing a few dozen men doing what you were doing. While this was going on, there were people bumping you in the back trying to get up to the trough, so you had to hope you weren’t getting knifed by some poor depressed and drunk bleacher bum, or having your wallet stolen (seriously, like you re going to take your hands away form what you are doing to stop someone), or making sure your aim doesn’t get anyone else wet, which will set off a fight that will be nothing but a huge mess. Cubs fans are incapable of denying all of this. Women, who have long had reason to complain about waits to their facilities, can count themselves lucky to not be male Cubs fans.
So traditional Wrigley Field is undergoing massive renovations (including the installation of a traditional jumbotron), which they hope to have done in May. The famous bleachers, site of more drunken brawls than most bars will ever see, were covered with Ernie Banks commemorative tarps.
Unfortunately, in the Cubs quest to pack as many people into venerable Wrigley Field as they could, they realized that there were now a lot fewer available men’s rooms. As this article highlights, things got bad. In the end, this isn’t too bad. Cubs fans are kind of used to relieving themselves wherever they need to. There is even a handy map to advise newcomers where they are more likely to get away with public urination in the greater Wrigleyville area.
Meanwhile, U.S. Cellular Field features exceptionally clean bathrooms, urinals, and far fewer drunken brawls and knife fights.
It adds new meaning to “Chicago Cubs are #1”.
I know that one of you just rolled her eyes at that one. I deserve it.
Additional Note: Apparently the bathrooms were not the only problems at Wrigley Field for Opening Night (scanning the audience, I don’t detect any shock or surprise). Apparently, the Cubs also ran out of hot dog buns, prompting a talking head on ESPN-1000 in Chicago to quip: “Too many wieners and not enough buns for the Cubs”.