In 1991, the National Football League, like the missionaries of yore, landed on the continent of Europe in an attempt to preach the gospel of real football … not some sport where you run after a ball for an hour-and-a-half and act like you just saved the pope’s family from terrorists at Nakatomi Plaza every time you are the last person to touch the ball before it accidentally ends up in a net, and no, not the football that requires 9 credit hours of acting classes so that you can sell a dive to the refs who are only slightly more credible sometimes than professional wrestling refs. No, real football, where men risk their their health and sanity for a few thousand non-guaranteed Euros. NFL Europe lasted in various guises until 2007, by which time someone realized that the Amsterdam Admirals getting beat by the Frankfort Galaxy was taking valuable television time away from seeing their buddies fined 10 euros for touching off a soccer riot that killed 25 people, let alone some third tier U16 soccer game between Kyrgyzstan and Malawi. In the end, the unwashed heathens rejected American football.
Heck, even the Canadian Football League tried to expand into America! It caused problems when the guy spiked the ball after running a hundred yards, not realizing the endzone was still ten yards further, but hey! The people of Sacramento and Las Vegas and Shreveport and Baltimore couldn’t be choosers … sure, it was Molson instead of Miller, and they had to learn what the hell a rouge was, and why teams got points for it, but beggars can’t be choosers. Still the Candians were told to get back to the other side of 54-40, and to take their whacked out version of football with them. Sometimes, you just can’t preach to the converted.
So now with the economy in the dumps, when the cowards are reeling in their money to protect it, the time is ripe to expand American football again. Surely, out there, there must be some nation with some repressed bloodlust just waiting to tune in and see gown men giving each other concussions that will one day cost them their lives for a few thousand dollars.
Enter: NFL – India
No, that’s not a typo or a joke. Actually, it is the Elite Football League of India, which is actually a misnomer, because it will include teams in Pakistan and Sri Lanka (with an expansion franchise apparently already being lined up in Bangladesh NOIAMNOT DRUNK!)
That’s right, forget the damn Olymipcs, the real international action this year will be between the Pune Marathas and the Colombo Lions (I mean, really, every baseball league on Earth has a “Giants” because the New York Giants used to be an elite franchise … THE EFFIN’ LIONS ARE NEVER GOOD, TRY AGAIN!) match up for the Hundred Yard War.
And what is the deal with the Kolkata Vipers. If you are going snake theme … and you want some consonance, wouldn’t the Kolkata Cobras be a lot more menacing?
Now, I know what you are thinking … surely no one who actually knows anything about football would get involved with this. However, some of the principal investors include 2x MVP and all around nice guy Kurt Warner. Former QB and analyst extraordinaire Ron Jaworski , and Hall-of-Famers Michael Irvin and Michael Dikta are also throwing money in.
So, according to the clock on the website, in a little over 45 days, the season will kick off, and this time when the Peshawar Wolfpack and the Delhi Defenders clash, it will be on a gridiron, not on the battlefield.
Best of luck! Perhaps one day the Kathmandu Yeti and Kabul Spies (early 1980s text computer game reference, thankyou) can field some teams