A Guide for Protesters coming to Chicago for the NATO Summit

It ain’t the Olympics, but at least some of the world is coming to Chicago this up and coming week for the NATO summit.  President Obama was kind enough to pull the G-8 summit out of Chicago knowing that Chicago would descend into something reminiscent of H.G. Welles Morlock and Eloi civilizations, but this NATO summit thing should prove to be some of the biggest protests the city has seen since the 1968 convention.

If you are planning to come to Chicago for your protesting needs, here are a few things to consider.

1.  While most police departments are ashamed of their darker history, the 1968 Democratic Conventions is viewed by the CPD as a mark of pride.

Then Mayor Daley gave “shoot-to-kill” orders for anyone found holding a cocktail.  A few hours later this was clarified to be a “molotov cocktail” (good thing this was the morning and not happy hour).  The repeated beating of hippies is something that the current police officers hear the older and retired officers wax rhapsodically about, and wonder if a bunch of no-good hippies or hippy-like entities will invade the city.  This could be their chance.  Unlike LA where the police are worried about being caught on video tape, there is a good chance the police will have relatives videotaping beatings to be shown at future retirement parties.  This isn’t Europe … the police are here to look out for the rights of the citizens, not the anarchists.  Doing stupid shit is equivalent to having a legal affidavit saying “please beat me until I ask for death” … and the CPD will likely oblige.

2.  Don’t believe the law that forbids Chicagoans to own handguns.

First off, Chicago has plenty of gang bangers and their affiliates who are armed with everything from shivs to automatic weapons with armor piercing rounds.  Normally, they need to be careful because shooting up the neighborhood usually involves cops arriving to drag away a few of their wannabe friends to an interrogation room where they are asked questions while playing Mike Tyson’s Super Punch Out without the video game controllers for a few hours.  The gang bangers know you don’t shoot at cops, because their turf will be invaded and salted.  On the other hand, shooting at European anarchists who wonder into their neighborhood might get them a medal from the Chief of Police … not to mention they won’t be crazy about the increased police presence … so keep in mind that there are plenty of armed citizens with plenty of motivation to shoot at the visitors.

Then there are the law abiding citizens who hold several thousand unregistered firearms for self-defense … you won’t have to worry about them unless you start firebombing the local grocer or peeing on their lawn (note:  feel free to pee all over Wrigleyville, they are all used to it).  However, there are plenty of cases of lawbreakers mysteriously getting shot on private property while committing a crime, and no gun ever turning up while the owner of said property sits around shrugging and hoping that the gunpowder residue can get washed off the walls of the sniper’s nest he built next to the master bedroom.  Stay off the private property, and out of the gang strongholds … you should be OK.

3.  No one here really cares about your politics.

Whether you are far right wing fascists, far left wing anarchists, Occupy Wall Street, anti-war protesters, or the committee to get Joe Jackson elected to the Hall of Fame, you are going to find limited support in Chicago.    Politically, Chicago is a strange place.  Sure, it is a Democratic stranglehold, and you won’t find a Republican until you get to DuPage County, but Chicago is also a pragmatic city … it isn’t as far left as, say, San Francisco, but their nose isn’t held up in the air for all to sneer at like New York.  Chicagoans tend to be distrustful of outsiders showing up to either complain or promise the latest in snake oil to cure what ails you.  I you think you are coming to raise an army and change teh hearts and minds of the world, I recommend you try another city.

In short, we are happy you have chosen to come and stay in our hotels and eat at our whole grain family markets … but that aside, your welcome in this town is limited,and you should be careful to not let any doors hit your buttocks on the way out.


4 Responses to A Guide for Protesters coming to Chicago for the NATO Summit

  1. Beth says:

    From what I saw and heard (granted, through various, yet edited, sources) it sounds like the CPD as well as the “staties” did a good job. You know me–I tend to have liberal leanings and empathize with those who wish to express their grievances and their right to assemble peacefully to do so. HOWEVER, once it has been made clear that the event which you were attending is over, and it has been made clear several times that those still in the vicinity were considered in violation of City Ordinances X,Y and Z, and what the next steps would be to clear the area…it’s time to GET THE F— OUT! (On, BTW extra mass transit provided especially for you, while drinking the bottled water provided for you b/c it was super hot…)
    More disheartening to me were the number of people who were obviously there simply to create news of themselves via cell phones and cameras. It reminds me of a small child who didn’t want to eat dinner, but is loudly whining that he is STARVING for ice cream 30 minutes later. Though in this case, the starving is obviously for attention: “But I want to make MY point NOW…I am obviously far more important than the people who bothered to file the permits and organize to demonstrate within the (I feel) reasonable limits set forth” Even the mainstream press seemed hell bent to keep the drama going (“let’s go live to Steve who’s out in the fray and listen to him whine about how he was prodded with a club in his back after staying there despite several warnings to disperse…”)
    Later, when the protesters returned, apparently attempting to get near the NATO event at the Shedd Aquarium, part of me actually thought: “Well, OK people, do you really want to meet the “other” security forces sure to be surrounding foreign dignitaries’ families and the First Lady? I think you’ve got your hands full with the CPD…” Idiots!
    As one of my fb friends posted: “Once you cover your face, you have lost credibility”

  2. teganx7 says:

    I am curious … as a leftist, will you be supporting noted Cubs owner Joe Ricketts and his support for race bating attack ads and his support for noted right wing nutjob Rick Santorum.

    I understand that there will be a Mitt Romney bobblehead night at the right leaning confines this year, in addition to the Cubs new slogan:

    “Cubs fans and Republi-CANS … “

  3. Beth says:

    As if I didn’t ALREADY have reason to abandon the Cubs this year… What a schmuck! It’s hilarious though. Conservative ball club owners want limited government and far less spending and taxes at the federal level, but are totally fine with the Mayor’s office(s) collecting and spending millions on their behalf…gotta love the hypocrisy!

  4. Beth says:

    PS-How have I, in all this time, missed the “Quote of the Moment” until now?

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